One of Those Nights

It is one of those nights. The kind I wouldn't normally write about here. The kind that I usually tend to alone.

It's a rough, restless night of thoughts too big for my head, hopes without guarantees, yearnings for that which is beyond my reach and reflections about broken things for which there are no instruction manuals.

I search for solace everywhere. The Red Vines licorice sticks don't soothe me... The purring cats don't settle me... The songs I put on to lull me aren't quite right somehow... I want to go, go go... But nothing can carry me far enough away from This. No distraction can tear me from my drifting thoughts, looming doubts and rippling anxieties for long.

I could try to pretend This away. I could try to beat This into a dark and dusty corner. I could paste on a smile and write about the many positive things in my life (because there are TONS of those, and I will, indeed, get to those when This passes...) But, in all reality, ignoring This has never made It go away. How I wish that worked for me. Always, This delivers lessons, ever so slowly and painfully. In the mean time, I am edgy, drifting, and cursing This. I'm waiting for something to happen, but in the middle of This, I never know what that something will look like, or when it will arrive.

Shortly ago I read Aden part of his book and tucked him in for bed. It is the kind of night where I was simply thankful for quickly heated leftovers and some time with Aden during which I was able to concentrate on what he was saying to me, an act that seemed to require Herculean force. Every tiny task I accomplished felt monumental, and I was working so hard to focus on each achievement. I thought I was doing great until we were interrupted during reading and I re-read a passage... I hate being present, but not really... I try so hard not to expose Aden to that.

I can't believe I am the only person to experience This. Thus, the urge to write about It here. Why do so few people talk about This?

By the time I post next, if not before, I will be happily celebrating something new... Luckily This never lasts as long as it feels in the middle of it. May you, if you are feeling This too, likewise welcome sweet relief soon.